?

Log in

 

Murphy’s Law, Savannah, Ga. July 8 2006 Saturday. A table of four… - PLEASED WITH DISEASE

About Murphy’s Law, Savannah, Ga. July 8 2006 Saturday. A table of four…

Previous Entry Jul. 9th, 2006 @ 08:49 am Next Entry
Leave a comment
[User Picture Icon]
From:rheostat001
Date:July 9th, 2006 04:34 pm (UTC)
(Link)
good stuff. couple of things.

1. grammar/syntax/whatever. As written, the sentence starting with "They were P.J..." doesn't make sense because you get caught up in describing PJ and forget to tell who the rest are till later. I'd do just a little rearranging. something like, "They were PJ, his wife Kat, Andy and Andy's girlfriend whose name I could never hear," and go from there to the descriptions.

2. you set up the scene well, but you don't give us anything about what this girl looks like, just that she was pretty and in love... her story is interesting, so it keeps us going, but... i think you can make this even stronger than it already is by being as descriptive as possible.

oh yeah, one more thing... PBR is pretty well known, so you don't have to explain what it is, but... i dunno, it just sticks out in that first sentence. doesn't fit well. later, when you mention the round of shots, you don't have to tell us it's tequila because PJ refused the lime. that's brilliant. I would personally replace PBR with "a cheap domestic" or something of that ilk, just in case your readers are in miller country or something ;)

anyway, that's it. hope it's helpful.
[User Picture Icon]
From:timpressionist
Date:July 9th, 2006 04:42 pm (UTC)
(Link)
thanks and you're right on most all that. i blame my syntax on writing with a hangover before i forgot the story.
i have been pleasantly surprised with what people will tell you when you ask for a story--like this girl, who claimed she didn't know any and then told me That.
[User Picture Icon]
From:rheostat001
Date:July 10th, 2006 01:14 am (UTC)
(Link)
yeah, i don't think i stressed enough that i think this is a great project, and you're doing a great job with it... and, yeah, i figured a rush to get it out was behind the syntactical issues, but that's what editors are for, right?

so now it's your turn. how 'bout some feedback sent this way, yo?
(Leave a comment)
Top of Page Powered by LiveJournal.com